“do I need to put on underwear before I go to my family barbecue?”

an actual question that I actually cogitated

a handy tutorial if the need to impersonate the young yon yonson ever arises:

• read watchmen in between set breaks during your weight lifting routine 
• casually nap in your car between classes. curse with emphatic volume and smile with all of your doggam teeth and non-lapsing eye contact when somebody catches you. 
• familiarize yourself with the works of the great brain challenged german techno musician scooter and mickey ‘my dick’ avalon 
• drop out of community college 
• effectively break out of any skunk ridden christian campground you may have inadvertently gotten locked into 
• construct minnie pearl hats in your leisure hours 
• rescue bugs and earthworms [read: always]

dine upon microwave popcorn for brunch and watch shows about high efficiency toilets

thefrogman:

The Frilled Lizard taking a leisurely stroll. 

amble into a realm of covered bridges eyelids done up like a womb; think only of clowns with overbites wearing brogues and the passé plague of listening to sigur ros while you amass the sunlord’s energy slowly converting to a huddled ball of energy ready for DETONATION (patiently) 

crisp up your skin in the sunshine conscious of the music the tree boughs shimmy to

apologize to a caterpillar on bended knee and humbled hand. you have decimated his whiskery form with your bionic ass, tsk

bets are he is a wizened wizard, a spiritual gargoyle heaven-sent  

Me and You. Awkward, but Right - m4w - 29 (South Campus Gateway)
Date: 2012-05-09, 6:41PM EDT
Reply to: msj6x-3006273288@pers.craigslist.org
Me: Taking a poop in the Pizza Rustica woman’s bathroom.

You: Drunk, beautiful, discovered I was in the wrong room and forgot to lock the door in my haste.

Look, I know it must have been awkward for you to see me in that state, especially since it didn’t seem to bother me that you had walked in. We made brief eye contact, and you have the most beautiful brown eyes (no pun intended). I said “Hey beautiful lady!” right as you slammed the door, but I meant it. Everyone poops. Even you. And now that you’ve seen me pooping, I feel that our relationship has moved to a higher level. If you read this, and feel the same way please respond…. Lastly, I hope the smell didn’t offend you, I ate indian food.